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Ask a *Third Culture Kid (TCK) where he/she is from, and watch most of them stumble over the answer. The TCK wonders, do you mean where I was born? The country of my passport? Where I live now? Where I used to live? Where my parents live? The place where I feel I most belong? And so the confusion begins!

On my recent trip to Utah, I met hundreds of new people. And 99% of each new conversation started with two questions: “What’s your name? Where are you from?” To tell you the truth, even I got tired of answering it. I started wondering to myself again – do you want the long answer or the short answer? Do I like you enough to tell you my whole life story? Or do you like me well enough to want to listen to it?

This question is the reason why so many TCKs have some identify confusion. It’s just complicated, and my personal opinion is that the answer needs to be rehearsed so that various versions are ready for different occasions.

But when TCKs get around other TCKs, the mood changes. All of the sudden it’s fun to compare notes! I was reminded of this yesterday when I was on the set of Dubai One television to tape an interview about TCKs for the show, “Twenty Something”. I met someone in the lobby of the studio who had a Swiss and Indonesian parent. We instantly had a connection. The presenter was born and raised in Dubai, but her parents were from Karala, India. Another staff member has Lebanese and Jordanian parents, but was raised in London. The staff person attending me is from the Philippines and her son is being raised in Dubai. The next guest interviewed, a celebrity hairdresser from Los Angeles, spoke of his multi-cultural background before his parents immigrated to the United States during his interview for the show. Everyone I spoke to had a mixed heritage from a multitude of cultures. Since the topic of the show was to talk about Third Culture Kids, everyone was in the mood to share bits of their own life stories. In that setting and situation, it was fun! And why? because we were with our own “tribe” of other people who understand what it means to have a very international life. Even though I’m an adult now, the same rules that apply for TCKs also apply to me….We don’t belong anywhere 100% – and yet we seem to fit in everywhere. Rootlessness and restlessness. Home is everywhere and nowhere. These are a few ways many TCKs define themselves.

Would you agree? What has been your experience, or that of your children’s, when it comes to roots, identity, and sense of belonging?

Feel free to comment – and if you get satellite TV, watch the interview about TCKs on Dubai One next Monday, April 19 at 8 pm, Tuesday at 3 pm, and Friday at 7 pm!

Click here for more resources about TCKs, or here to read more of my articles on the topic.

*A Third Culture Kid is someone who has spent a significant amount of their developmental years outside their parents own culture. The TCK builds relationships to all cultures while not having full ownership in any. Although elements of each culture is assimilated into the TCK’s life experience, a sense of belonging is in relationship to others of a similar background. – definition from David C. Pollock and Ruth Van Reken’s book, Third Culture Kids, The Experience of Growing Up Among Worlds.

All of us know of teens or young adults who seem to have a harder time growing up than others. They have various struggles, and these struggles can derail them from getting on with their lives. But there is help available for them, and those who are lucky enough to find it can turn their lives around.

In earlier posts, I wrote about my trip to Utah to visit therapeutic programs to help these struggling teens, and promised to write more about the various options. The first option I would like to share with you is a wilderness program, since I think that there are often many misconceptions about what a wilderness program is.

Wilderness programs provide students with an environment that gets them away from harmful influences by immersing them in nature. There they come face to face with themselves, their behaviors, and the negative forces that have been with them in their lives. These kids are usually in patterns that include poor decision-making, the choice of negative peers, and school failure or avoidance. Sometimes they have been dabbling in substance use (drugs, alcohol, smoking) and their actions have usually upset the entire household. The attention-getting behaviors usually are a symptom of more profound issues that need to be addressed. Families realize that something has to change, and are willing to take serious steps to get their children the help they need. Kids, on the other hand, rarely think that going to a wilderness program is a great idea – at least in the beginning.

What happens in a reputable, quality, clinical wilderness program? First of all, every action and interaction is designed to be instructive and therapeutic. Masters and PhD level psychologists, social workers, and marriage and family therapists all make up the therapeutic team that works with the adolescent. Therapy is done in group sessions with positive peer interactions, as well as individually. Kids start to identify the issues that lie underneath all the negative behavior. Sophisticated clinical assessments can also be made in the field, and usually yield extremely accurate results since the teen usually starts to shed their armor by then.

Wilderness is NOT and never should be punitive, harmful, or survivalist. The physical and emotional well-being of the individual is always highly respected. Parents are brought into the therapeutic process so that the entire family can be a part of the positive change in a student’s life. When an educational consultant is involved, the therapist also works closely with the consultant to update him/her on the progress of the student, and to discuss next steps.

What might those next steps be? Sometimes the kids go home – but there need to be supports and a plan in place to be sure that the gains made in treatment hold. Many times the teen will go on to a residential treatment program, therapeutic boarding school, or traditional boarding school, depending on their need. A residential treatment center, or RTC, has the most clinical approach, usually with a psychiatrist on staff, multiple specialized therapeutic sessions per week, individualized therapy, 24/7 staff on call, and of course, school for the kids. However, in these cases the psychological/emotional needs of the student must be the primary focus in order for the learning to eventually fall in to place again. A therapeutic boarding school is very similar to an RTC, but usually has slightly less therapeutic intervention. Then there are “step-down” programs that students can attend once they are ready to integrate more and more into a more traditional setting. And of course, there are more traditional boarding schools that work for some kids coming out of wilderness, or who have graduated from a therapeutic program. (I wrote an earlier article about these options.)

Not all programs are the same, and there are sometimes subtle and not-so-subtle differences between them. Educational consultants travel constantly to see first hand what programs have to offer, and to be sure that the programs and schools deliver on their promises. I have seen great websites for programs that I don’t use or trust, and I have had parents call me after they learn the hard way that not all programs do what they say they will. I have also seen amazing programs that are life-changing for teens.

But after visiting numerous programs in various parts of the United States, this is one thing I can say with certainty. There are some fabulous, dedicated, highly trained, caring, compassionate, and experienced therapists and staff in these programs. They choose spend their lives working with the kids that are in crisis, and their work not only changes lives, but saves lives as well. There is nothing more rewarding for any of us than to see a young person’s life turn around and to see hope restored.

“I used to be a good manipulator, and here it just doesn’t work….things get questioned here. I lied to myself a lot, too. I ask myself, “What is the truth?”

In order to really understand what happens in a therapeutic program, it’s important to listen to the kids themselves. At almost every school or program we (Louise Slater, May Peach, and I) went to, we did just that – listened. Note that when the kids were asked to talk about their issues, very few of them spoke of drug or alcohol use in isolation – and in fact, not all kids have even been involved in those issues. Rather, they demonstrated a remarkable sense of self-awareness and honesty that many adults don’t have.

The questions we asked were “What issues are you working on and what have you learned?” Here is what the teens had to say at one school. But answers were very similar in many places we visited.

• Narcissism
• Family relationships
• What I’m going to do with my life
• Examining my motives
• Relationships
• Eating disorders
• Substance abuse
• Dealing with my mom’s death
• How to deal with an alcoholic father
• Impulsivity
• Relationships
• Separate my own thoughts from my mom (who was also struggling) in a healthy way
• Doing program for myself, not for anyone else
• It’s empowering
• It’s my life
• Learning things many people never learn
• We’ll be a huge leap ahead (in terms of emotional awareness)
• Self-awareness
• When I go home on a home pass, I can’t identify with the life I thought I missed
• You’ve changed but maybe your family hasn’t changed as much
• When I went home, I was actually looking forward to coming back
• I can handle myself better
• Helps define good/bad relationships
• See there’s a way out of the past – you aren’t defined by it
• Hope
• Identify negative behaviors
• Learned how to be honest
• Support
• Make good relationships
• People will call you out if needed
• Family – the school also works with the family, too – that’s huge since he’s been there
• Can’t B.S. here – looking back, it’s what has helped him the most
• People stick with you
• Feels like a family here
• School is really cool here – they teach you to take the initiative
• I’ve made the best friends I’ve made in my life here
• Family therapy – I live 2500 miles from my family and I’ve never been closer to them
• Working through anger, resentments – I have completely different relationships now

Then we asked, “What plans do you have for your future?”

• I’d like to be a psychology major, go to law school, and help other kids get the help instead of going to jail
• I don’t know where I’d be if I hadn’t come here …maybe dead by now
• I wouldn’t put it past myself to want to work in one of the places…I want to give back
• Teach art in a treatment center
• Be a chef

I’m sure the list would have been much longer, but we ran out of time. The kids we met were awesome – open , honest, and real. They were eager to talk, and their enthusiasm for the changes they have seen in themselves as a result of the hard work they have put in was a justifiable source of pride. What also moved me was the love and support they showed for each other – they showed true empathy and personal connection.

Do you know of a teen who is struggling? They may not want the help to begin with, but after listening to the kids themselves, we can see that the right program does help to give a teen his/her life back. Let us know if we can help advise a family through the process.

The next blog will explore the different kinds of therapeutic programs and schools.

by Rebecca (Becky) Grappo, founder, RNG International Educational Consultants, LLC