Posts Tagged ‘international educational consultants’

Do you have a son, brother, father, husband, or other male in your life? Do you work with children? If so, I highly recommend that you read Raising Cain – Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys, by Drs. Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson. A New York Times bestseller, this book should be given to every new parent of a male baby before they leave the hospital. I would put it on the required reading list for every teacher. And I’m going to shout from the rooftops that if you only read one book this year, and you have a boy in your life, this one has to be it.

The authors of Raising Cain, who have spent their careers as psychologists working with boys, take us on a fascinating journey inside this male “fortress of solitude”. The premise of the book is that the emotional life of boys is just as rich as that of girls, but perhaps even more fragile. Our society has stereotypes that expect our boys to be brave, stoic, in control, and fearless. Therefore, too many of our boys do not learn how to express their emotions in healthy ways. The result of this stunted emotional growth plays out in every possible area of a boy’s life.

With chapters devoted to relationships with fathers, mothers, peers, girls, and “sex, drugs, and rock and roll”, Kindlon and Thompson take the reader on a journey into the inner life of today’s male. They also discuss the risk factors that lead to depression, drug and alcohol use, and suicide.

The Washington Post called this book, “Brilliant….required reading for anyone raising – or educating – a boy. PBS, or the Public Broadcasting Service, made a special out of it.

So although the book is not a new release, it was new enough to me to want to share it with you.

Although this book is written with an American perspective, my work with boys from various cultures around the world has convinced me that males are in trouble everywhere. This is not a uniquely American problem, and it is one that has me gravely concerned.

Healthy expression of emotion is vital to good mental and physical health. The male perspective and experience is different from that of girls but no less important. Therefore, the more we know about it, the better we can understand, guide, mentor, and love our beloved sons, brothers, husbands, fathers, and students.

Ask a *Third Culture Kid (TCK) where he/she is from, and watch most of them stumble over the answer. The TCK wonders, do you mean where I was born? The country of my passport? Where I live now? Where I used to live? Where my parents live? The place where I feel I most belong? And so the confusion begins!

On my recent trip to Utah, I met hundreds of new people. And 99% of each new conversation started with two questions: “What’s your name? Where are you from?” To tell you the truth, even I got tired of answering it. I started wondering to myself again – do you want the long answer or the short answer? Do I like you enough to tell you my whole life story? Or do you like me well enough to want to listen to it?

This question is the reason why so many TCKs have some identify confusion. It’s just complicated, and my personal opinion is that the answer needs to be rehearsed so that various versions are ready for different occasions.

But when TCKs get around other TCKs, the mood changes. All of the sudden it’s fun to compare notes! I was reminded of this yesterday when I was on the set of Dubai One television to tape an interview about TCKs for the show, “Twenty Something”. I met someone in the lobby of the studio who had a Swiss and Indonesian parent. We instantly had a connection. The presenter was born and raised in Dubai, but her parents were from Karala, India. Another staff member has Lebanese and Jordanian parents, but was raised in London. The staff person attending me is from the Philippines and her son is being raised in Dubai. The next guest interviewed, a celebrity hairdresser from Los Angeles, spoke of his multi-cultural background before his parents immigrated to the United States during his interview for the show. Everyone I spoke to had a mixed heritage from a multitude of cultures. Since the topic of the show was to talk about Third Culture Kids, everyone was in the mood to share bits of their own life stories. In that setting and situation, it was fun! And why? because we were with our own “tribe” of other people who understand what it means to have a very international life. Even though I’m an adult now, the same rules that apply for TCKs also apply to me….We don’t belong anywhere 100% – and yet we seem to fit in everywhere. Rootlessness and restlessness. Home is everywhere and nowhere. These are a few ways many TCKs define themselves.

Would you agree? What has been your experience, or that of your children’s, when it comes to roots, identity, and sense of belonging?

Feel free to comment – and if you get satellite TV, watch the interview about TCKs on Dubai One next Monday, April 19 at 8 pm, Tuesday at 3 pm, and Friday at 7 pm!

Click here for more resources about TCKs, or here to read more of my articles on the topic.

*A Third Culture Kid is someone who has spent a significant amount of their developmental years outside their parents own culture. The TCK builds relationships to all cultures while not having full ownership in any. Although elements of each culture is assimilated into the TCK’s life experience, a sense of belonging is in relationship to others of a similar background. – definition from David C. Pollock and Ruth Van Reken’s book, Third Culture Kids, The Experience of Growing Up Among Worlds.

All of us know of teens or young adults who seem to have a harder time growing up than others. They have various struggles, and these struggles can derail them from getting on with their lives. But there is help available for them, and those who are lucky enough to find it can turn their lives around.

In earlier posts, I wrote about my trip to Utah to visit therapeutic programs to help these struggling teens, and promised to write more about the various options. The first option I would like to share with you is a wilderness program, since I think that there are often many misconceptions about what a wilderness program is.

Wilderness programs provide students with an environment that gets them away from harmful influences by immersing them in nature. There they come face to face with themselves, their behaviors, and the negative forces that have been with them in their lives. These kids are usually in patterns that include poor decision-making, the choice of negative peers, and school failure or avoidance. Sometimes they have been dabbling in substance use (drugs, alcohol, smoking) and their actions have usually upset the entire household. The attention-getting behaviors usually are a symptom of more profound issues that need to be addressed. Families realize that something has to change, and are willing to take serious steps to get their children the help they need. Kids, on the other hand, rarely think that going to a wilderness program is a great idea – at least in the beginning.

What happens in a reputable, quality, clinical wilderness program? First of all, every action and interaction is designed to be instructive and therapeutic. Masters and PhD level psychologists, social workers, and marriage and family therapists all make up the therapeutic team that works with the adolescent. Therapy is done in group sessions with positive peer interactions, as well as individually. Kids start to identify the issues that lie underneath all the negative behavior. Sophisticated clinical assessments can also be made in the field, and usually yield extremely accurate results since the teen usually starts to shed their armor by then.

Wilderness is NOT and never should be punitive, harmful, or survivalist. The physical and emotional well-being of the individual is always highly respected. Parents are brought into the therapeutic process so that the entire family can be a part of the positive change in a student’s life. When an educational consultant is involved, the therapist also works closely with the consultant to update him/her on the progress of the student, and to discuss next steps.

What might those next steps be? Sometimes the kids go home – but there need to be supports and a plan in place to be sure that the gains made in treatment hold. Many times the teen will go on to a residential treatment program, therapeutic boarding school, or traditional boarding school, depending on their need. A residential treatment center, or RTC, has the most clinical approach, usually with a psychiatrist on staff, multiple specialized therapeutic sessions per week, individualized therapy, 24/7 staff on call, and of course, school for the kids. However, in these cases the psychological/emotional needs of the student must be the primary focus in order for the learning to eventually fall in to place again. A therapeutic boarding school is very similar to an RTC, but usually has slightly less therapeutic intervention. Then there are “step-down” programs that students can attend once they are ready to integrate more and more into a more traditional setting. And of course, there are more traditional boarding schools that work for some kids coming out of wilderness, or who have graduated from a therapeutic program. (I wrote an earlier article about these options.)

Not all programs are the same, and there are sometimes subtle and not-so-subtle differences between them. Educational consultants travel constantly to see first hand what programs have to offer, and to be sure that the programs and schools deliver on their promises. I have seen great websites for programs that I don’t use or trust, and I have had parents call me after they learn the hard way that not all programs do what they say they will. I have also seen amazing programs that are life-changing for teens.

But after visiting numerous programs in various parts of the United States, this is one thing I can say with certainty. There are some fabulous, dedicated, highly trained, caring, compassionate, and experienced therapists and staff in these programs. They choose spend their lives working with the kids that are in crisis, and their work not only changes lives, but saves lives as well. There is nothing more rewarding for any of us than to see a young person’s life turn around and to see hope restored.